I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
