Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
