I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
