I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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