I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
