Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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