at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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