I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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