At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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