I wish I could punch you in the face.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
