What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
