i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Michael Bay diarrhea
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
