he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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