the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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