i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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