If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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