i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
