my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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