I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
