Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
