Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
