Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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