well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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