My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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