Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
