i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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