I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
