sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
