So drunk its hurt
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
