What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
