he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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