Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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