Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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