dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
