worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
