I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
