My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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