Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
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She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers