somebody snuck up and got me drunk
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
