The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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