i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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