My liver just broke up with me...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
