I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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