I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
