Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drake has all the answers
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
