He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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