Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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