You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
a search helicopter?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
