i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
