you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
