I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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