She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
