My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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